Soyayyar gaskiya da ta ginu akan ilimi zuma ce, amma akasinta kuma guba ce. A kowanne
karni da sashe na al’umma akan samu; litittafai, jaridu, mujallu da fina-finai masu yawa da suke
bayani akan soyayya. A mahangar addini, gamammiyar manufar aure da ma’aunin gane ingancinsa
4 ne; Assakan, al-Mawaddah, ar-Rahmah da al-Mu’asharah bil Ma’aruf. Tsaftatacciyar soyayya
daddadar bishiya ce a zuciya, wadda zakakan ‘ya ‘yanta suke bayyana a zamantakewar aure.
Magana akan soyayya a mahangar addini da nazarin halayyar dan Adam ba abu ne mai
sauki ba, littafi ne mai yawan shafuka. Babu alkhairi ga auren da babu soyayya kamar yadda babu
alkhairi ga soyayyar da babu aure. Tsaftatacciyar soyayya ta aure sinadarin farko ne a
ingantacciyar zamantakewar ma’aurata. Makasudin wannan gajerar makalar haskakawa mahalarta
da al’umma tsaftatacciyar soyayya da hanyoyin ginata ta fuskar fahimtar yaren soyayya da ya dace
da dandadon abokin rayuwa domin samun ingantacciyar rayuwar ma’aurata.
1.0.MATASHIYA
Soyayya sirri ne na dorewar rayuwa da zamantakewar ma’aurata cikin aminci, nishadantarwa,
kwanciyar hankali, nutsuwar zuciya da amintarwa. Tsarkakakkiyar soyayya ta na kunshe da
kulawa ta musamman, kulawa da fahimtar juna su ne mafi girman abin da yake gaggauta mallakar
zuciyar abokin zama. A wannan gabar zamu ambaci ma’ana, sunaye, rukunnai, rabe-rabe, nau’ika,
da matakan soyayya.
1.1 MA’ANAR SOYAYYA
Tarifin kalmomi da suke da alaka da adifa ko ma’anawiyyar ran dan Adam (an-Nafs) kamar
fushi, kunya, tsoro, hakuri da soyayya suna da wahalar bayanin ma’anoni. Suna cewa Umuurun
Nafsiyyah laa tuhaddu bi akthari min lafziha.
Allamah Ibnul Qayyi,m al-Jauziyyah a littafin sa Raudhatul Muhibbeen (sh 31-36) ya
ambaci mabanbantan ma’anoni na Kalmar soyayya kamar haka;
So shi ne karkatar zuciya ga wanda ta gamsu dashi.
So shi ne son abin da ake son a samu.
So shi ne haduwar manufar wanda ake so da wanda ke so.
So wata wuta ce a zuciya mai kone dukkan abin da zai kishiyanci wanda ake kauna.
So shi ne wanda nufin zuciyarsa ya dace da nufin zuciyar wanda ake so da haduwar ruhi.
So shi ne so.
A mahangar masana halayyar dan Adam (Psychologists) M.Scott Peck a littafin sa The
Road Less Traveled ya ce So shi ne nufin fadaduwar rai (nafs/self) da manufar tarairayar
ma’anawiyyar zuciyarka ko ta waninka. A littafin Dictionary of Psychology an bayyana So
1.2 RUKUNNAN SO
a). Karkatuwar Zuciya (al-Mailu).
b). Nufin zuciya (al-Iradah).
Fiqh of love na Dr. Yasir Birjas
1.3 SUNAYEN SOYAYYA
Kalmar so ta na da kima a wajen Balarabe shi ya sa ya ambace ta da sunaye mabanbanta
masu yawa, Ibnul Qayyim ya ambaci wajen 60 daga cikin su; al-Mahabbah, al-Alaqah, assabwah, as-Shagaf, al-Wajd, at-Tatayyum, al-Ishq, ad-Danaf, as-Shauq, al-Khilaabah, alBalaabul, as-Sadam, al-Wahal, ar-Rasees, al-Wuddu, al-Khullah, al-Gharaam da makamantan su.
A harshen Hausa ma akwai kalmomi masu alamta so kamar birgewa, sha’awa, soyayya,
kauna, shauki, bege, marari da makamantan su. Haka a harshen Nasara ma akwai irin su; Love,
affection, romance, benevolence, fondness, passion, liking, desire, fancy, adoration da
makamantan su.
- 4 RABE-RABEN SOYAYYA
Soyayya ta al’ada ita ce wadda a al’adance mutum kan so abubuwa na kewaye da shi kamar garin
sa, al’adar sa, yaren sa da makamantansu. Soyayya ta Ibadah kuma ita ce kaunar Allah,
manzanninsa, mala’iku, sahabbai, salihai da makamantansu.
A wata mahangar zamu iya kallon soyayya ta fuskah biyu ta Fidrah wato soyayya ta halitta da
dabi’a kamar son iyaye, ‘yan uwa da makamantan su. Akwai kuma soayya Muktasab wadda
yanayi ne yake sanyawa mutum ya so wasu mutane, abubuwa, maganganu, aiyuka, yanayi, gurare
da makamantansu.
1.5 NAU’IKAN SOYAYYA
Hubbuz Zaat nau’in soyayya ne karkashin soyayya ta fidrah wadda mutum yake son abu domin
karan kansa, kamar irin soyayyar da akewa Allah jalla wa alaa.
Hubbun Lil Ghair shi ma nau’I ne na soyayya wanda mutum yake son wani abu saboda
kasancewarsa sila ga wani babban abu da yake so.
Mahmoud soyayya abar yabo kenan wadda ta shafi addini ko soyayya ta al’ada da aka yita akan
manufa. Soyayya Mazmoum ita ce soyayya abar zargi misali soyayyar shirka, ko son wani abu da
zai cutar da kai a duniya ko lahira.
1.6 MATAKAN DA’IRAR SOYAYYA (DAA’IRATUL HUBB)
Al-Injizaab; Farkon yanayi ne na masoya daga fara soyayya zuwa sa rana.Anan ne ganiyar
soyayya idanu ke rufewa ba a ganin aibin juna, ko me za’ai sai abin da zai birge ko dadawa
juna.
Al-Irtibaad; wannan mataki ne da masoya kan ji sun kusa samu ko mallakar masoyansu,
wanda yake faraway daga lokacin da masoyi ya kusa mallakar masoyiyarsa har zuwa aure
da wasu shekaru bayan sa. Mafi yawan dadin auratayya da zumar soyayya a wannan
matakin ake kwankwada. Mafi yawa shekaru bakwai.
At-Ta’awwud: Wannan mataki ne da ma’aurata suka saba da juna dukkan wani aibu ya
bayyana soyayya ta fara salamcewa, ta dalilin haihuwa , yawan sabani, dangi da dai
makamantansu.
Al-Muqaranah: Wannan mataki ne da ma’aurata kan yi kwadayin wasu dake waje da
zarar an yi Magana ta kyautatawa ko dadin zama dake tsakani. Sannan anan ake ganin
gazawa da bangaren rauni na abokin rayuwa. Kuma anan ake da na sani da ciza yatsa. Anan
ne wasu suke kuskuren Karin aure.
Al-Khuruuj: A wannan matakin ne soyayya take salamcewa ko dai mafi yawa (al-Juz’iy),
ko kuma gaba daya (al-Kulliy) a inda ma’aurata sukan kauracrewa junan su a Magana ko
shimfada, har ta kai na kewaye da su, su san/gane halin rayuwar da suke.
Amma idan ma’aurata suka yi hakuri da juna, suka sulhunta sannan suka gina
rayuwarsu da soyayyarsu domin Allah suna samun sauki har ta kai ga komawarsu matakin
farko.
2.0 YAREN SOYAYYA
2.1 MA’ANAR YAREN SOYAYYA
Kalmar ‘Yaren soyayya’ isti’arah (aro ne) da ake nufin wata magana ta baki ko ta aikace
da ta ke dacewa da muradin wanda ake mu’amala dashi.
2.2 NAU’IKAN YAREN SOYAYYA
2.3.1 YAREN KARFAFA GWIWA (KALIMATUT TASHDEED/WORDS OF
AFFIRMATION)
Hanyar dake sadar da soyayya cikin zukata itace hanyar amfani da kalmomi masu habaka mutum.
Kalmomi ta hanyar furuci ko nuna yabawa suna daga cikin hanyoyin sadarwa mafi karfi a fannin
isar da soyayya. Masoya suna yawan korafe-korafe da junan su akan masoyin su yaki yi musu
wani abu da suke bukata ko suke son ayi musu amma saboda rashin sanin makamar lafazin da zasu
tunkare juna dasu.
Ga wanda Kalmar karfafa gwiwa(words of affirmation) ya zama shine yaren soyayyar sa dole a
nazarci hanyoyin da zasu habaka ta hanyar iya sarrafa lafazi da sanin yanayin da ya dace.
Kalmomin karfafa gwiwa: ko wannen mu na da rauni a wasu bangarori, masoya na iya karfafar
junan su ta hanyar bada kalmomin karfafa gwiwa.
Karfafa gwiwa na nufin duba na tsanaki ta nahiyar abokin rayuwa domin sanin abubuwan da suke
da muhimmanci a rayuwar su. Sannan ne kawai zamu iya karfafawa juna gwiwa.
Kalmomi masu dadi: wannan nau’I ne na yaren soyayya wadda za’ake yiwa wanda ya a dabi’arsa
ta halitta shi ne yaren da yake fahimta a fagen soyayya da zamantakewar aure ta hanyar dadadan
kalamai. Soyayya kyautatawa ce. Indai masoya nason isar da sakon soyayya ta hanyar furuci to
dole suyi amfani da kalmomi masu dadi. Wannan na da alaka da yadda muka furta kalma (tune).
Ana son kalmomin su fita da shauki da tattausan sauti.
Kalmonin nuna girmamawa:
A guji yin amfani da kalmomin da suke dauke da nuna isa ko dagawa(demanding) wajen sanya
masoya yin wani abu da ake son dasu aiwatar. A furta su ta hanyar Kankan da kai da sauti mai
taushi. Kamar don Allah masoyiya ki dakko min littafin can, ko hubby dan Allah in ka samu dama
da sarari ka taho mana da icecream. Tattausar Magana na sa masoya aiwatar da abubuwa da dama
dan faranta ran masoyan su.
Amfani da kalmomin yabawa ta sigogi mabanbanta: wannan ya hada da yabawa masoya a
yayin da yake nan da sanda bayanan. Kamar a gaban dangin su ko wani nasu, ‘ya’ya da abokai.
Yin rubutu na kalmomi masu dadi a ajiye a inda masoyi zai gani ko wani baiti na soyayya. Tura
sakon marari, kewa yayin da masoya basa tare.
2.3.2 BADA LOKACI DA KULAWA (TAKHREESUL WAQT/QUALITY TIME)
Bada lokaci na nufin baiwa masoya lokaci a zauna dasu ta hanyar da babu wani abu da zai dauke
musu hankali. Hakan ba yana nufin yin kallo tare a sanda hankulan sun a kan talabijin ba. Ana
nufin yin wani abu tare ko fita wani waje dan debe kewa a inda babu wani abu da zai musu
katsalandar ko raba musu hankali, don sauraran juna ba tare da nuna kosawa ba.
Tarayya: mafi kololuwar bada lokaci shine yin tarraya yayin aiwatar da wani abu
Sadaukar da lokaci wajen Hira: akwai wadanda yaren soyayyar su shine sadaukar da lokaci
wajen yin hira da masoyin sub a tare da wani abu ya dauke musu hankali ba. Samun laokaci da
zaku saurari juna ba lalle lokaci mai tsayi ba. Yin haka yafi ka bayar da kyauta ga wanda wannan
shine yaren soyayyar sa.
Sadaukar da lokaci wajen yin aiki: akwai wanda yaren soyayyar sa shine sadaukar da lokaci
wajen yin aiki tare da juna, koda kuwa yin wasa ne ko kuma wani abu da zai nuna tarayya. Bawai
aikin ne mai muhimmanci ba, sai dai dan kasancewa ana yin shi tare.
Abin lura yayin da muke sadaukar da lokaci idan masoyin mu yana Magana muke kallon
idanuwan sa sannan kada yana Magana kina yin wani abu daban, kamar danna waya ko wasa da
wani abu.mu kula da yaren jiki (body language) lokacin da muke hira. Sannan katse masoyi yayin
dayake Magana har sai idan yakai wata gaba.
ku lura da abun da abokin rayuwar ku yake son yi koda ku bakwa samun nishadi a cikin yinsa.
Kuce yau kun sadaukar da lokacin ku za kuyi wannan tare. Hakan zai kara cajin batirin soyayyar
ku.
Fita wani guri tare a lokacin hutu ko wata faragar lokaci da aka samu a gurin aiki ko wajen sana’a
domin samu sauraron juna da samar da nishadi.
2.3.3 YAREN KYAUTA (HADIYYAH/RECEIVING GIFTS)
Kyauta wani bangare ne na auratayya dake cike da soyayya a kowanne irin sashe na duniya.
Kyauta wata aba ce da kan sa wanda aka yiwa tunawa da wanda yayi masa ita da zarar wanda aka
yiwa kyauta ya tuna yanayi, lokaci ko gurin da aka yi masa wannan kyautar. Kyauta wata alama
ce ta so, kauna da kuma girmama.
Ga wanda yaren soyayyarsa ya zama shi ne kyauta ko wani aboki/abokiyar zama ya kamata
suyi la’akari da wadannan abubuwan; mu lura cewa baa koda yaushe bane kudi yake zama a
matsayin ma’auni na bayar da kyauta ba, wasu lokutan kyautar abin da yake ba kudi ba yafi, ta fi
shiga rai ga wanda aka yiwa ita. Abin lura, kyautar kai (the gift of oneself) ta fi kyautar wasu
abubuwa daban muhimmanci, mu lura da lokuta da yanayin da abokan rayuwarmu suke bukatarmu
kamar tunawa da ranar zagayowar aure, haihuwa ko wani muhimmin abu da ya faru na rayuwa ko
ya samu danginsa/ta. Bayar da kyautar kai ta hanyar halarta a lokacin damuwa, shi ne kyauta
mafi girma da za’a iya baiwa abokin rayuwa da ya zama yaren sa na soyayya shi ne kyauta.
Abin lura; Idan muna son mu cika tankin soyayyarmu ga wadanda suke kyauta ce yaren
soyayyarsu to, mu sani ba lalle sai kyautar ta zama mai tsada ko ta zama koda yaushe ba ko da a
sati, wata ko shekara ne. Mu lura da abubuwan da abokin rayuwarmu yake so, mu nazarce su
domin samun yadda zamu samu makamar cika tankin soyayyarmu. Mu tambayi kawaye/abokai
ko wani makusanci abin da ya fi so ko yake so. Ko siyan wani abu da zai ke tunawa da zarar ta/ya
gani.
2.3.4 YAREN HIDIMTAWA JUNA (A’AMALUL KHADAMIYYAH/ACT OF SERVICES)
Yaren hidimtawa juna shi ne yin wasu aiyuka da ka san abokin rayuwa yake son ka/ki da
ka/ki yi shi, wanda yin hakan dzai dadada da faranta ran juna ta hanyar aikawa shi kamar girki,
gyaran gida, wankin kaya, share yana, shirya yara, kulawa da abubuwan kiwonsa, kintsa masa
litittafansa. Idan yaren abokin zama ya zama shi ne hidimtawa, to za’a same shi mai yawan sa aiki
da son yaga idan ya sa aiki an yi masa. Idan kuma mace ce ko sau day aka hidimta mata to tabbas
ka yiwa batirin soyayyarku caji. A cikin abubuwan da zaka mata sun hada da daka, tsifa, wanki,
yanka salad da sauran kananan aiyuakan gida da zasu farantawa juna rai.
Abin lura: Yin wadannan aiyuka cikin kauna da kuma yinsu domin faranta rai, ba don
tsoro ko gudun yin laifi bas hi ne ya kan sa ya zama ya amsa sunan yaren soyayya. Yin kokarin
sanin abubuwan da yake/take so ko yawan korafi akan shi, sai a yi shi cikin shauki, zai kara muku
kauna da girmamawa. nagging is a tagging
Samarwa da mace ‘yar aiki domin taya ta wasu aiyuka masu wahala, da sanar da ita cewa
kayi ne domin ita, sai kuma a tambaye ta yau me kike so nayi domin na faranta miki.
2.3.5 HADUWAR SASSAN JIKI (ATTAWASULUL BADANIY / PHYSICAL TOUCH)
Tun asali mun sani cewa haduwar sassan jiki hanya ce ta isar da sakon soyayyar kawazuci,
bincike ya nuna cewa yara ko jarirai da ake yawan dauka da sumbata sunfi waninsu lafiyar tunani
da nutsuwa fiye da wadanda aka dade ba’a dauka ko sumbata ba. Haduwar sassan jiki wata hanya
ce mai karfin gaske wajen isar da sakon tsaftatacciyar soyayyar aure. Hada sassan jiki sun hada da
rike hannu, runguma, sumbata, mu’amalar shimfida duk hanya ce ta isar da sakon soyayyar
ma’aurata amma ga daidaiku wasu yin hakan shi ne abin da ke sanya tankin soyayyarsu ya cika,
idan babu shi to su kan zama tamkar babu soyayya ne a zamantakewar tasu.
Haduwar gangar jiki kan iya zamowa silar samun kwanciyar hankalin ma’aurata ko akasin
haka, sannan zai iya nuna so ko kiyayya idan ya zama haduwar jiki ne yaren soyayyar abokiyar
rayuwa to babu shakka rike ta yayin da take kuka yafi. Abin lura: Yayin da kuke tattaki kamar
lokacin rakiya ko fita unguwa, rike hannayen juna (yadil mutashabikah), daukar ta a hannu, goya
ta ko zaunar da ita akan cinya ko lallasa mata kafada yayin da take zaune, ko dora kanta akan cinya
yayin da ake kallo da dai makamantansu da yawa. Kokarin yin wanka tare, yayin da yake dawowa
gida ta tarbe shi da runguma, sumbatar rakiya da a dawo lafiya. Hatta taba kafafun juna idan ana
zaune misali a teburin cin abinci.
3.0 GAMAMMUN KA’IDODI DA FA’IDODI AKAN YAREN SOYAYYA
3.1 yaren soyayya yana da fadi. Sannan dole muyi la’akari da banbancin nahiya, kasa, gari, yanayi,
al’ada, addini, da tsarin da abokin rayuwar ya taso akai dan samun makamar yadda zamu sarrafa
yaren soyayyar gare shi. Yana da fa’idah mu nutsu sosai wajen kula da soyayyar mu kamar yadda
muke kula da lafiyar mu da kuma dukkan janibin rayuwar mu. Saboda da tsabtatacciyar soyayya
ne ake samun ingantacciyar rayuwar iyali.
3.2 ALAKAR YAREN SOYAYYA DA INGANCIN ZAMANTAKEWAR AURE
Zamantakewar aure zo mu zauna zo mu tsara ce. A saboda haka idan wani laokaci an sha zuma a
wani lokacin kuma sai a sha madaci. Ana gina ingantacciyar kuma tsabtataciyar soyayya ne ta
hanyar sadaukarwa da juriya. Yaren soyayya zai taka muhimmiyar rawa wajen samun dorewar
kyakkyawar alakar zamantakewa. Sannan zai zamo kanwa uwar gami wajen dawo da hayyacin
soyayya yayin da masoya suka samu kan su cikin yanayi na sabani. Yaren soyayya jigo ne wajen
gina jaririyar soyayya da kuma tado da tsohuwar soyayyar da tayi bacci ko salamcewa. Ga
ma’auratan da suke zamantakewar auren su ta zamo cike da soyayya toh sanin yaren soyayyar
abokin rayuwar su zai taimaka wajen samar da farin ciki da nutsuwa. Ai
3.3 NAU’IKAN MAZAJE GAME DA YAREN SOYAYYA
Kamar yadda muka sani mun banbanta a tsarin halitta, to haka abin yake a tsarin dabi’a. masana
halayyar dan adam dama wasu daga maasana falsafa sun kasa mutane kashi hudu.nau’in mazajen
sune: Sanguine, Melancholic, choleric da kuma phlegmatic. Shi wanda ya kasance Sanguine ne
zaki same yana son duk kusan wadannan yaren soyayyar da muka ambata a baya in banda sadaukar
da lokaci (quality time) amma yana son yabawa, Kyau ta, da kuma hada jiki. Sai melancholic zaki
same shi yana son yabawa yayin da yayi wata bajinta da kuma son a sadaukar masa da lokaci
saboda mutum ne me cike da tsari kuma kuma taka tsantsan. Shi kuma chloric mutum ne mai son
hidimtawa matuka saboda dabi’arsa ta shugabanci da son ayi aiki. Sai na karshe wato phlegmatic
mutum ne mai son a yaba masa idan yayi wani abu komai kankantar sa sannan yana son kalmomi
masu dadi. Saboda mutum ne wanda kalma mara dadi tana tasiri wajen sanya shi cikin damuwa da
rashin samun sukuni.
3.4 NAU’IKAN MATAYE GAME DA YAREN SOYAYYA
Kamar yadda maza suka banbanta a tsarin halitta da tsarin dabi’a haka suma mata suka banbanta .
Allah Madaukakin Sarki ya banbanta tsarin halittar da gangar jikin mu. masana halayyar dan adam
sun kawo banbance-banbance dake sakanin na miji da mace. Haka a yanayin yaren soyayyar ma
yadda mace take da bukatar sa da yadda ake yi mata shi a wasu lokutan ya banbanta dana namiji.
Idan mace ta zama a tsarin dabi’arta Sanguine ce to tana son kwarzontawa fiye da yadda namiji
yake bukata. Tana san kulawa tarairaya, sannan tana son kyauta sosai da son hada jiki. Sannan
idan mace a tsarin halittar ta ta kasance Melancholic ce to tana son abokin rayuwar ta ya zama me
bata lokaci dan ya saurare ta, sannan ya zamo me kwarzanta ta a yayin da tayi masa gwaninta.
Macen da ta zama tsarin halittar ta shine choleric to ba kamar na miji bane da kullum sanya aiki
da bayar da umarni, sai dai da zaka samu wani lokaci ka taya ta aiki, toh da ka yiwa batirin soyayyar
ka caji. mace Phlegmatic tana bukatar kalmomin karfafa gwiwa da kuma kalmomin yabawa,
KAMMALAWA
Rayuwar ma’aurata ta na gudana ne cikin nutsuwa, aminci da kwanciyar hankali matukar an gina
tubalin asasin ta akan tsaftatacciyar kauna tsakanin ma’aurata, yaren soyayya shi ne muhimmin
abin da ya kamata ma’aurata su fahimta domin gabatarwa da abokan rayuwarsu abububwan da
suke bukata a lokacin da suke bukata yadda ya dace da dandanon soyayyarsu ta halitta. Wannan
Makala ta yi bayanin yaren soyayya a takaice da fatan zata zama mabudi ga masu son fadadawa
anan gaba. Allah ya albarkaci zamantakewar musulmi gaba daya ya inganta alakar mu ya tabbatar - mana da alkhairai duniya da lahira. Ameen
- LITITTAFAN DA AKA DUBA
- -Raudhatul Muhibben na Allamah Ibnul Qayyim al-Jauziyyah
- -Dauqul Hamamah na Ibnu Hazm al-Adulusiy
- -Fiqh of Love na Dr. Yassir Birjas
- -Al-Hubbu fit Tasawwuril Islaamiy
- -5 Love Languages na John Gray
- -The Road Less Traveled na M. Scott
